When I first left the Mormon church, there were many questions that I chose to leave unanswered for my family. I had known the "comfort" of believing I had all of the answers to this life and the next. I remember feeling "at peace" because the path to Salvation had been laid out for me in a neatly-wrapped package that is Mormon Doctrine. And, I remember how completely devastated I was when I realized that the church was not true. I believed there could be no life after Mormonism. I remember one conversation, in particular, when a loved one and I were talking about and making the decision that I would not share the "what I found" part of leaving the Church because it would shake my loved one's faith. Looking back on that, I wonder if I would have made a different decision if we had that same conversation today.
It's interesting, because one of the injunctions a "good Mormon" must apply to their lives is the promise to be a "Member Missionary" and share the Mormon version of the "Good News" with family and friends. I never felt good about doing that. I never shared. I never prayed for "Golden Opportunities" to present themselves into which I could step and share the word according to Mormons. I might even feel guilty about one of my friends joining the church under my influence, but she made it very clear that it wasn't me: she had been influenced by many Mormons before she joined.
For whatever that's worth.
So, I find myself sitting at my computer now and thinking about so many Nagging Questions. Not necessarily the questions I haven't answered for my loved ones. But, more so the Nagging Questions I burn to ask them.
Recently, I got married. One of my loved ones was so blinded by the fact that I write about my spiritual journey in a public way that, among other things that I won't mention here, that loved one openly attacked me regarding my wedding. Publicly. I have always been very careful not to be unkind, so I was surprised when I was accused of attacking that loved one. So, I asked: Tell me, specifically, how I attack or have attacked you. I truly wanted to know. The answer: "When you attack my Religion, you attack me!"
Ok. Interesting. I didn't even know how to respond to that. (I did respond in a not-so gracious response that has led to a schism between me and that family member. A schism I - in an un-Christian manner - don't want to heal.)Seems that my personal journey cannot occur in a public forum (where, I imagine, other post-mormons are exploring and looking for a shared spiritual experience) without being a direct attack on the people I love. It makes me sad.
But it also makes me want to ask my own nagging questions.
What would happen to you if you realized that the Church you built your life around was untrue?
Would it kill you?
I thought it might kill me. But, I landed on my feet. I've learned that God still loves me. I've learned that my relationship to God can grow stronger when I'm not saddled with copious amounts of false doctrine (heresy as it could be called in my current understanding).
What would life be like if you could just take a breath and realize that maybe, just maybe . . . . you could survive without the church?
I remember the free-fall I felt when I said goodbye to my Church membership. I lost an entire social support system. It meant I had to rely on myself. It meant I was alone for a while. Difficult, yes. Impossible, no.
I would say that it was less difficult than it would be to wake up on the other side only to find that the temple secrets I had guarded my whole life were invalid because God isn't a Mormon!
I know why you are afraid. I felt that fear. I was completely overcome by it when I realized the Truth - before I left the church.
But I would rather be awake and understand that I spent my whole life in a church that could not offer me salvation than to stay there because it is more convenient to pretend. Or to not ruffle the feathers of the people who are important to me.
I want to be right with God. That is why I left the Mormon Church.
My most nagging question is: Why can't you consider the possibility that to be right with God, you have to look at the whole picture?
In the deepest parts of my heart while I still lived as a Mormon, I hoped the church was true. Because if it wasn't my life was hypocricy.
Why are you afraid to find out for yourself? If you investigate everything available to you and find the church is true, you will be that much stronger, right?
But your church authorities don't want you to know the whole truth. They want you to keep believing their lies.
If someone were lying to me, I would want to know.
Another nagging question: Why don't you?
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